Countdown to the Election (T-Shirts)
10.28.08
With just one week to go before this whole thing is finally over, the truth can now be told:
- I'm voting for John McCain.
Now, this may come as a shock to many of you who follow this website, and I'm sure you have a lot of questions. Like "why?" and "seriously, why?" and "duuude!" which is not a question but, hey, I'm not going to give you a hard time, when you're obviously in so much pain.
So why am I voting for John McCain?
Is it because of his years spent as a prisoner of war in Vietnam, which make him just as qualified or slightly less qualified to be President than every other former prisoner of war? No.
Is it because of the years he spent as a reformer, struggling to wipe away the stain of the Keating 5 scandal from his record, bungling through reforms meant to clean up campaigns which lead to the creation of mammoth unregulated 527 organizations which are now responsible for some of the worst advertising sleaze in modern election history? No.
Is it because John McCain has retreated to the hard right after spending the past decade staking out a handful of more moderate positions, demonstrating that despite what he says, he always puts politics before country? No.
Is it because John McCain is wrong on most of the issues that affect Americans most, made a terrible VP pick, shows a cavalier disregard for women's health issues, is sort of wishy-washy on the whole torture thing, and has demonstrated erratic behavior and questionable judgment when under pressure? No.
Is it because Obama is a Liberal, Black Power, Muslim, Radical Christian, Terrorist, Communist, Baby-Killer? Yes. No.
No, it's because Barack Obama owes me a T-shirt. I've donated several hundred dollars to Barack's campaign this year, including $50 during a "donate at least $30 and we'll send you a T-shirt" promotion.
And it's not that I desperately need the T-shirt. (I have several T-shirts already, including one with an "S" on it that stands for Superman.)
But if you can't trust a man to send you a T-shirt when you send him $50, how can you trust him to provide Universal Health Care, or end the Iraq War, or keep us safe from terrorists, or not surrender to the alien invaders from Bizbax III, but instead lead an elite corps. of special forces soldiers on a last ditch suicide mission deep into the heart of the alien fleet, unleashing a nuclear device inside their mothership, destroying the fleet's command center and killing the Bizbaxian General, General Athroggg, the Butcher of Zeta Chlorr, thus demoralizing the fleet and sending them into retreat, saving the human race, but sadly sacrificing his own life in the process, mouthing, with his final gasps of breath, "DON'T... LOSE... HOPE!"
Who will save us from the Bizbaxians now, Barack Obama?
I'm so demoralized. I'm sure John McCain will ruin the country (and possibly surrender to the Bizbaxians), but I'd rather lose an election than lose a T-shirt.
Or... wait, maybe that's backwards...
To quote Matt Drudge, this story is still "developing..."