• Crispix. A cereal that's main selling point is that it "stays crispy in milk." Crispiness is a selling point! Sogginess? Not so much.  
  
   

  Their slogan might as well be, "Crispix: It's the next best thing to NOT pouring milk on your cereal."

• Rice Krispies. Not only do Rice Krispies have the word "Krisp" [sic] in their name, they are also one of a proud line of cereals with milk-related superpowers!
   
  
   

  As if to say: "Do you think it's stupid that you're deliberately making your rice less krispy? Well, at least you can console yourself with this crackling noise as your cereal becomes less delicious." Remember kids: that "pop" you hear is the sound of all your hopes and dreams bursting into naught.

• Cocoa Puffs. Here, they've given up on even trying to salvage the mushy cereal. This is just a cheap way to make chocolate milk.
   
  
   

  That's right! For the families that can't afford proper chocolate milk, General Mills presents... [drum roll] "Cocoa Puff Brand Chocolate Milk with Mushy Things You Need To Scoop Out With A Spoon!" Now, this approach I actually respect. It's sort of a modern day Stone Soup for a post-nutritional America.

But even if we set all that aside, I think that deep down we all know where this "milk on cereal" tradition must have really originated...

 
SECRET ORIGIN OF SOGGY CEREAL
Somewhere, long ago, lost to the annals of time*, there was some rich, powerful jerk who accidentally knocked his milk into his cereal, and he did it in front of some other rich, powerful jerk, and the first rich, powerful jerk was all like,

"I meant to do that. This is all the rage in Sumeria,"

and the other rich, powerful jerk was like,

"Pfft. We've been doing that for centuries in Phonecia,"

and the first jerk was like,

"Yeah, well, I think it's getting big again,"

and the second jerk was like,

"I knew that. I just like to let my cereal sit for a minute or two before I pour my drink all over it,"

and then he poured milk over his cereal too, and then they just sat together in silence and ate their terrible mushy cereal, and they pretended that it was the most awesome thing in the world even though their cereal hadn't been specially designed to stay crisp or krisp or make a noise or make their milk any awesomer by turning it brown with mushy things floating in it.

 

 

CLOSING ARGUMENTS
I maintain that if pouring a drink on your meal was EVER a good idea, it would be a good idea in more than this one narrow case. We would be pouring orange juice on our eggs or drinking chicken wings out of a bowl full of beer, or we'd be eating soft pretzels out of a bowl of lemonade or hot dogs out of a bowl of Pepsi.

But no. You know better. Deep down, you know its wrong. Deep down, you know I'm right. Be an adult! Eat your food with utensils, but drink your liquids from a glass! Embrace evolution! Don't be a slave to the mush! Keep your Crispix crispy the old fashioned way, and drink some Ovaltine if you need a chocolate fix!

Remember, evil can only succeed while good people do nothing. And by "evil," I mean "mushy cereal." And by "do nothing" I mean "eat it." And by "only succeed" I mean "seem like a good idea."

And by "good people," I mean, "Stop being such a sheep, yo! Pouring milk on your cereal is totally whack-to-the-double-hizzouse, for realz!"
 

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[*As a note to all you worditricians out there: "annals of time" are among the worst possible places to store things you care about. In my experience, anything that's ever been stored in an annal of time has been lost. That's a 100% loss rate. Note that nothing has ever been FOUND in an annal of time. Lost, yes? "The Colonel's recipe was lost to the annals of time, but then a few months later, it was found to the annals of time. Huzzah!" Doesn't happen. Remember: annals are bad and time-related annals are the worst of all. Unless you're trying to dispose of something, like a body or some embarrassing vacation pictures. Then totally store them in a time annal.]