Mort Finkelstein, Undead Dentist
First in a series of Flash Fiction pieces that I will be filing under the header QuicFicFix:
- A half hour after sunset, Red Dave shambles through the door with the paper sign that reads “Mort Finkelstein DDS.” He is inconsolable. The lights are out, and because this is not really Dr. Finkelstein’s office, there is no one at the front desk.
Red Dave is pale, thin, dressed in all black, making no effort to conceal his vampire-ness. He finds Dr. Finkelstein--“Call me Mort.”--in Exam 3.
Mort is short, stocky, Jewish, and brownish-green from rot. He may be some kind of a zombie. No one is too sure.
- Mort likes Exam 3 because it smells like Kelly, the dental hygienist who works there during the day. Or at least it smells like Kelly until it smells thoroughly of Mort, which is to say briefly.
Red Dave grumbles, sits down. He is not in physical pain, but his pride is wounded. “I was in a fight,” he explains. “Some macho nothing, trying to defend his girl. He took a swing at me. Hard.”
Red Dave massages his jaw, remembers.
“It was like in the movies. I spit out a tooth. Except...”
Mort smiles politely, pulls a surgical mask over his yellowed teeth. To make his point, Red Dave opens up his mouth wide, comically wide, like only a vampire’s mouth will open.
He is missing a fang.
“What kind of vampire only has one fang? It’s embarrassing. I was... uneven. Blood kept trickling out the corner of my mouth the whole time I was feeding. By the end I was so frustrated, I almost didn’t finish the girlfriend.”
Mort sticks his crumbly dead finger into Red Dave’s mouth, feeling where the tooth broke. “There’s enough that I can file it down, attach a falsey if you like.”
“A falsey? A false what? A false tooth? A false fang? Because a real fang is magic. Changes back and forth. I can’t seduce my prey with a false fang hanging out.” He simulates with a finger. “And I can’t keep feeding with just the one. This is your specialty. Don’t you have some voodoo so I can regrow it properly? Or a magic tooth to change back and forth?”
“Well, no. No voodoo. No magic teeth, unfortunately. But…” Mort considers. “There is a set solution for this sort of problem. Fairly common. Routine even... But I’m going to have to strap you down.”
Red Dave nods. He wants his new fang already. Mort reaches down and pulls three thick leather belts from his bag, straps Red Dave down tight across the wrists, ankles, chest.
He lets out a half-cough, half-chuckle.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing. It’s just...” Mort does it again. Wheezes. “I had a vampire come in with this exact same problem, last week.”
“And you fixed him?” Red Dave asks, hopeful. “You got him a new fang?”
“Yes.” Mort reaches back into his bag, pulls out a steak. “But it took an entire week.”
Conspiracy of Days
I was hoping to devote an entry to the origins of the story, but outside circumstances seem to be conspiring against me. Odds are good that I'm only going to manage 29 out of the promised 30 updates this month, but I didn't want to leave you (my loyal/hypothetical audience) without the excerpt I'd been promising.
Direct from the manuscript (with a few quick formatting tweaks to make the PDF a little prettier), here is the current draft of the first chapter of...
- Chapter One: PDF
Repeat, "current draft." But hopefully you enjoy it.
Everybody Play UGLY SHIRT
Here's a fun new game from the diseased mind that brought you Double Steak Day! Ladies and gentlemen, meet Ugly Shirt!!!
Ugly Shirt is the addictive game of making your friends dress poorly. Just pick out a terrible, terrible shirt*, give it to your friend, and say, "Tonight you're playing Ugly Shirt!"
There are three key rules to Ugly Shirt:
- 1. Never explain Ugly Shirt.
2. Never apologize for Ugly Shirt.
3. Throughout the night you must work into casual conversation the following expression: "So how about this shirt?"
You may ask, "Drew, I understand how to PLAY Ugly Shirt, but how do you WIN Ugly Shirt?"
What a silly question! When you play Ugly Shirt, everybody wins!
(Or maybe I'm the only one who wins. It's ambiguous.)
--
* Please only pick out shirts that are aesthetically displeasing. Don't pick out shirts with offensive slogans or images or that will in any way make your friend feel morally uncomfortable. The game is called Ugly Shirt, not "Please don't hit me, even though my shirt says I hate Jews."
Cigarette Man
A while back, I mentioned that I'd be doing a 5 page back-up story with Ashleigh "Py" Firth for second issue of Caleb Monroe's new RedChapel mini. The first issue is available for pre-order here. The second issue will be out in a couple months, and I'll obviously let you all know how to buy that as well.
In the mean time, here's the first page of my short story, called "Cigarette Man"...
STRIKES
Some of you may know that a few years back I created a property called "The Strikes" which I was trying to develop into a comic series. Things didn't quite pull together the way I planned, so I wound up tabling the project in favor of others, including ArchEnemies.
Well, long story short, I've decided to revive the property as a web-to-print series. (I may have made the term "web-to-print" up; the plan is to publish the book as a web comic first, and then as a "real" comic.)
Oh, and I've dropped the "The" from the title, because definitive articles are so last year.
Richard Molinelli's onboard as the artist. More details, previews, etc. as I've got 'em.
A Better Batgirl
And here's a better Batgirl:
This one is drawn by the super cool Ashleigh "Py" Firth. (Her online portfolio is viewable here.) Py and I are working together on a back-up feature that will run in the second issue of Caleb Monroe's upcoming RedChapel mini.
RedChapel is four issues, with the first issue due out in April. Should be great. Order 'em all. How? Um. Good question. Check out Caleb's awesome blog (not the official title) for details.
Double Steak Day
Sunday, December 18th is the second annual...
Here is a Double Steak Day carol...
- We wish you a Double Steak Day!
We wish you a Double Steak Day!
We wish you a Double Steak Day!
Now please eat two steaks!
Two steaks you will eat,
But at separate meals!
And steak and eggs doesn't cow-ount,
So don't pull that crap!
We wish you a Double Steak Day!
We wish you a Double Steak Day!
We wish you a Double Steak Day!
Please, please, eat both steaks!
Have one steak at home,
And another outside!
Have one with your family,
And one with people you like!
We wish you a Double Steak Day!
We wish you a Double Steak Day!
We wish you a Double Steak Day!
Dude, seriously, eat two steaks!
You have to play checkers,
At least once on Double Steak Day!
If you want, you can make a wager,
And the worst player pays!
We wish you a Double Steak Day!
We wish you a Double Steak Day!
We wish you a Double Steak Day!
Eat two steaks or your dead to me!
Double Steak Day is abbreviated:
DSx2!
Do not abbreviate it "DSD" or,
There will be sudden, unexpected, and unpleasant consequences!
We wish you a Double Steak Day!
We wish you a Double Steak Day!
We wish you a Double Steak Day!
MAKE SURE YOU LEAVE ROOM!
The meters a little off, but the above carol neatly covers all the rules and traditions of Double Steak Day to date. If anyone has any questions about how to properly observe Double Steak Day, please email me at my special holiday email: DSX2@DrewMelbourne.com.
All responses will be given in carol form.
No MarchEnemies, but...
I still can't announce the publisher, but I can tell you that ArchEnemies #1 is due to hit stands April 5th. (Which means it that you will order it in February.)
Talking to Hugh Sterbakov
Hugh? Hugh is the writer and co-creator of Top Cow's hot new series, FRESHMEN. Hugh co-created the series with his childhood friend Seth Green, who some of you have heard of.
I recently had the chance to interview Hugh about his experience as a struggling screenwriter in LA and now as a not-quite-struggling comic book writer for Scryptic Studios. Check it out!
ArchEnemies
Star Fighter and The Underlord are mortal enemies with more in common than they think.
ArchEnemies is a high-concept dramatic comedy drawn by Yvel (JLA, Aquaman) Guichet and inked by Joe (practically every comic at some point) Rubenstein.
The letters and logo design are by Jim (Small Gods) Keplinger. Colors are by Rick (ATP Presents) Hiltbrunner.
ArchEnemies has a publisher! Look for a big announcement this fall.
Heroes of Tomorrow
Drew's pitch for Heroes of Tomorrow beat out thousands of others to win a "Breaking Into the Comics Business" contest co-sponsored by Wizard and Top Cow.
In Wizard X, on stands last August, Top Cow editor Scott Tucker called Heroes of Tomorrow "an original idea" that will make Drew "insanely popular."
Expect this title in 2006, following the release of ArchEnemies.
Think Like Tomorrow
Drew writes a regular "how to write comics" web column for Scryptic Studios. It is, as he calls it, "An Idiot's Guide to Becoming the World's Greatest Comic Book Writer." Which, as far as we can tell, makes him the idiot...